Down with compromises!

James and Flis were discussing holidays. They loved each other and wanted to make the other happy. She was excited to visit Cuba and he would have delighted in visiting China. As they could not agree they compromised with Italy. And neither of them were satisfied. They created many lovely memories, together, but not in a place either of them had wished for.

It takes almost superhuman powers to be able to deny yourself a precious dream because it is something in which the partner has no interest. The sacrifice can lead to hidden resentment, un noticed grief at the thought of never having the dream fulfilled, and hurt harboured to throw up during a heated argument. I dislike compromises. Something is always sacrificed in a compromise.

Personally I think compromises are a denial - that work only in the most extreme or unhealthy situation - one where the parties feel unable to express their true thoughts opting for the nicer, don't rock the boat option.

SO what do you do in a relationship?

1) Acknowledge and accept that it is your dream.

2) Acknowledge and accept that it isn't your partner's dream.

3) Acknowledge and accept the dream that your partner has.

4) Acknowledge and accept that your partner's dream isn't yours.

Then... once it is all spoken - what are the options?

5) Create a dream you both want to have together after you have both visited your own dream holiday.

6) If you go to your chosen place on your own - make sure that you regularly speak with your partner - especially to thank them for the gift that they have given you, of being left behind and missing you. (No moaning from either party please - if you are not there it's because you didn't wanted to be)

7) If you go together - make sure that you honour the gift of their company; they are somewhere they don't want to be - because they love you ( no moaning from either party please - if you are there it's because you wanted to be).

8) Always make sure that each of you are able to experience your dream visit, not just one party.

9) Make memories - with each other - and with love.

Footnote. I love this. A long married couple are drinking their morning coffee at the table. He looks up from the paper and asks "I fancy going out today - would you come with me?" She looks up and replies with an excited smile, " Yes please, I would enjoy that very much". He looks at her and then with a puzzled face ponders "But you don't know where we are going?". She pauses and then gently touching his had speaks softly. " I don't mind - so long as it's with you".

Are you ready to commit?

A colleague was explaining that she was going away at the weekend with her husband. Someone commented how difficult that was going to be. The colleague replied " No - I like my husband."

The simplest questions are often the hardest to answer. When thinking of committing to a partner, how do you know it is the right thing to do? There is never a "right answer" but you might find a flavour of an answer if you think about these two questions. "Would I want to be friends with this person if I wasn't in love?" And "Do they treat me in the same way they would treat their hero/boss/best friend?"

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