Riding the Unstoppable Wave: Getting through an RSD Episode.

An RSD episode feels like a sudden, agonizing all over sunburn and takes over the mind, body and emotions. Either energising us for completely the wrong action or sending us into complete paralysis. The pain is not a dramatic overreaction; it is a raw, physical pain triggered by a rejection that leaves you feeling utterly exposed and isolated.

When the wave crashes over you, logic fails. To the loved ones watching this happen: please understand that you cannot reason or comfort someone out of an active episode once it has started. There is no stopping it or fixing it in the moment; it must simply run its course.

The classic children's book We’re Going on a Bear Hunt captures this truth perfectly: "We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to go through it."

Since the storm is unstoppable, your only job is survival through radical self-compassion. Drop the pressure to "snap out of it," - you can’t. Secure your anchors, and ride out the wave until logic comes back. Then tell yourself "Well done" you got through it.

Are you listening to me?!!!

Fred and Ginger were on their 6th session. I had spent much of our time refereeing, in a counsellor style manner, the list of things wrong in their relationship. We agreed that this hadn’t always been the case and set out to find out what had been good in the throws of first months of love. Apart from the giggly “we couldn’t keep our hands off each other” and “ I just knew I loved her”, specific details were hard to pin down.

So we dissected ( very unromantic word) the first hours they were together.

Ginger: I watched him move around the room.

Fred: I watched where she sat and kept checking to see that she was still there.

Ginger: Our eyes kept meeting.

Fred: We talked and talked and talked.

They were interested in each other. They were curious about each other. They wanted to know more about each other. Their conversation was full of the cues that said “ I want to discover”.

That fascination, the thing that makes you go “ooh”, the spark, the deep intake of breath can go awol after life, love and living has taken over. So here are a few reminders of the things you probably did, the first time you decided you loved the person in front of you.

Listened Actively: Genuinely listen to what the other person is saying. This means not just waiting for your turn to speak, but really absorbing their words. To practice this, play a game – get your partner to say a short sentence and then repeat it back. How accurate were you? Did you remember what they said? Once the giggling stops, swap roles. Did you look into their eyes or twiddle your thumbs? Could you tell if they were smiling or grouchy? Go on – give it a go.

 Were respectful: You treated the other person’s opinions and feelings with respect, even if you disagree. You valued the fact that they chose to spend that time with you, sharing their opinions and experiences and ideas with YOU, not your best mate, YOU. Avoid interrupting or talking over them, let them speak – by doing that you give the signals that they are important enough for you to take your time listening. So when they speak now, give them the attention you did at the beginning.

Stay Present: There is nothing more demoralising and belittling than excitedly telling someone that you have been given a promotion to discover that they haven’t heard you because they were distracted by the cute puppy in the toilet paper ad. If it is important, it’s ok to ask for someone’s attention. Pick your moment, ask your partner to listen and if you have been asked to listen stop the film, put down the phone, look at your partner ( if eye contact is comfortable) and SHOW your intention to listen.

Ask Open-Ended Questions: Michael Parkinson ( shows my age) was a master at interviewing celebrities. He was like a magic button. Quietly, respectfully and purposefully he would ask one question and the star would be off, talking without pause and engaging the audience. A rare talent. It would be a question that begged an explaination. He asked Michael Caine “ How important is money to you?” and Michael offered a story of how a lack of money contributed to his father’s death when Michael was 24 and broke.

Encourage a deeper conversation by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. This helps keep the conversation flowing and reveals more about the other person.

Be Authentic: This is the hardest bit of the whole system because most of us believe that if we show who we really are we will be rejected. It’s a myth that everytime we will be rejected but we believe it anyway. So being yourself and speaking honestly is sometimes too difficult. However inventing a personality and opinions is hard work to maintain. Genuine conversations are more meaningful and can help build stronger connections.

And if we forget all that, and didn’t hear the first time – be honest. “I am sorry, I wasn’t listening to you. I really want to know, especially as it seems important – tell me again.” After all – aren’t they worth it?

10 Days - the whole blooming lot.

Get it out of the house.

Steps to reclaiming your home.

Day 1 26th

For me - not all at once. For those with a 9am - 5pm post Christmas/holiday house cleaning marathon, I salute you. The thought of that brings me out in a cold sweat , my get up and go, goes off and hides. So I learnt to do it my way, 10 minutes at a time. Inspired by and adapted from "Flylady.net Clean up mission".

Collect together all the present wrapping stuff, and the card writing stuff, and the stockings and the present bags. Pack them up in their box. Last year I overbought on the family cards so there was a note in the December 2024 diary reminding me. This year I have left over general cards and another note in my December 2025 diary.

Reclaim your house, 10 minutes at a time.

Day 2 Dec 27th

Working on 10 minutes at a time I decided to take the Christmas cards down next. Now that’s my thing for today. You might want to remove the tinsel, or the stair decorations, or some of the surface decorations. You chose, set the timer and do 10 minutes.

For me I have taken all the cards down and tonight I will go through each one, taking the time to think about the person/family that sent it. In the past, when I was young, enthusiastic and postage wasn’t expensive, I have written the year on the back and then use it as a christmas card list for the following year. I’d also turn the front of the cards into present labels. As my energy tolerance threshold has lowered and my boredom threshold risen, labels have become a thing of the past, so these years I write the recipient of the christmas present onto the wrapping paper, and after I have read the cards tonight, I will put them into the recycling.

Day 3 Dec 28th.

Find a home for the presents. This can be a challenge whether you house is a small 2 bed bungalow or a 10 bedroom mansion. More rooms means more clutter. The question is whether to keep ( precious/useful/brings you joy), pass on, throw away, or hide away. 15 minutes ( But I do 10) at a high speed. Then stop. WELL DONE.

This is the difficult question. Does it make you smile? If you yes straight away then find a place to put it. If you hesitate even for a moment then it needs treating. Now there are two routes. 1) The MAYBE pile and the OUT OF THE HOUSE pile.

The MAYBE pile is for those things that you are not sure about. Once you have a pile big enough ( carrier bag, small box) seal it, date it and then put it somewhere out of site. Put a reminder to look at it in the diary at 6months and 1 day or 1 year and 1 day. If you have not opened it 6 months/1 year later – do not open it just bin it. The important thing is NOT to open it. If you haven’t missed the contents in 1 year – you don’t need them.

The OUT OF THE HOUSE pile – does what it says on the tin.

Day 4 29th Dec The left over eating and drinking stuff.

Firstly take a long look in the fridge. Go on I dare you. Look at it and work out the stuff to be thrown away. The half eaten, going crusty, really can’t be bothered eating another piece food.

Isn't it time the turkey and the potatoes hit the bin before they grow hairy? Then look at the savouries. Gather together ( or bin) the crisps, then the nuts, put the fruit in the bowl, cheese biscuits in their tubs, sweets into one place.

BUT word of warning.... once the food is out of the fridge - bin it - don't leave it on the side for later - as one author did. It's a bummer to discover the half finished job when you are about to make your "going to bed" cuppa!

Day 5 30th – Organising all the table paraphernalia . So today ( well tomorrow because I posted this so late) gather together ALL the stuff for the Christams table. Anything you didn’t use this year decide if you want to keep it – if you hesitate half a second after you have asked the question, it needs to be gone. In the bin, in the charity shop, in the neighbours – who cares – just gone. With the stuff that is left, decide what goes back into the storage ( my case the loft) and what is general use. Clean and put away accordingly.

Was there anything missing this year that you wish had been on your table, ( the golden goose is already taken)? Put a note in November’s diary to make sure you beg, buy or borrow it for Christmas 2025.

Day 6 31st. Two Jobs today. 1) Look in the decorations storage boxes and look at the decorations that you haven’t used. Do they bring you joy to have them? Or are they “special” objects? If you have said “No” to these two questions – Let them go ( to misquote a rather famous song). Even sing it as you throw them into the “bin” or “give away” pile.

2) Timer on for 5 minutes only, and remove as many surface/stair/door/floor decorations as you can in that time. Once the timer goes – stop.

Day 7 1st Jan

Did you party last night?

Yes -Write a list of the medicines that were used up this morning in the post party hangover and replace them tomorrow. Then put the list with the unused Christmas cards so that you can buy extra in December, preparation for New Years Eve.

No – Write down the 5 things you loved about not partying – put it with your unused Christmas cards so that you can remember next New Year’s Eve

Day 8 2nd January

Take a long hard look at the Christmas tree, Timer on for 5 minutes and take off decorations - as much as you can in the 5 minutes. No putting them in their boxes, just get them off the tree. In a second 10 minutes put them away in their boxes for protection.

Day 9 Finish taking the decorations from the tree – all of them – in their boxes. I'll look at the tree and find myself firmly rooted to the sofa. Somehow it seems like everything I need to take off the tree hits me at once ( I am being tested for ADHD soon) and the fear at the size of the job, overwhelms me. So I set a timer and do 5/10/15 minutes at a time. It doesnt' work for eveyone but it works for me. If it seems too much do it at 10 minutes or 10 ornaments at a time. If you are one of the lucky ones who can do it in one sitting – do it in one, start at the start and finish when the lights are away. Search the house for any other decorations and gather them all up in the same place. Well done – job done!

Day 10 – Put all the boxes away, the tree away or out to the dump; if it’s a real one – take the pruning shears and cut away – prune the tree down to a manageable slice.

Put the decorations back in their cupboard/loft/wardrobe. PUT THEM AWAY and then congratulate yourselves – you’ve done amazingly welll.